If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
english majors be like furthermore
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.