Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume