Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Oops I deleted….
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.