i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.