Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts