If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I have so many questions.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My wife gives the best headache.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.