Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
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It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America