On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
You Might Also Like
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish