FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.