Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
The biggest mystery of our time
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Perfection.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I was up all night reading about insomnia