[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
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I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Important reminders
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*