I would guard your potatoes so hard.
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
bad news gang
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
his wife is probably gonna see that
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’ve had worse
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?