To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
You Might Also Like
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.