ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
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[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m giving up ice.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’