*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
love it when they get my name right
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.