I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
You Might Also Like
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.