Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Trains are just sideway elevators.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
jesus, what did this guy do
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Tremendous stuff
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM