My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.