ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
You Might Also Like
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Not😆🤣
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?