So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I think this cat is broken
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I know this now 😂