“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …