That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
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I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
What?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Shower sex be like:
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.