Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
🙅🏻
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.