*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
You Might Also Like
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
notice
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?