Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
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The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.