Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”