*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason