friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry