me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism