If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
What about second breakfast?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this