[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”