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Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Happy Caturday!
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it