The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.