I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
WHY?!
Life hack
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.