[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 馃槀
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v潭e潭n潭g潭e潭a潭n潭c潭e潭
grapes
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: got my food and now I鈥檒l just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
馃檮
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.