i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
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me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
You’ll be OK
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Namaste
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.