Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.