In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
You Might Also Like
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.