4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
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Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don鈥檛 push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he鈥檚 lived at.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Storm Tropical Storm
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I don鈥檛 know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 馃槀馃ぃ
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Growing up I didn鈥檛 think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender