Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king