Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
You Might Also Like
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.