Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
when there are deer in the woods
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
The Backseat Boys
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total