me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Guys, I found it.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂