[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
God, I love Scotland
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Guys, I found it.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.