“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Heroic Misunderstanding
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus