Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
shit just got real
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Where’s my employee discount too?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.