My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
WHY would you be happy about this?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking