[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
You Might Also Like
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.