I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You Might Also Like
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here