I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz